"...hey yeah..."

What the hell?

Ok, remember I mentioned that sunday I had a dinner date with this guy I liked and he told me he liked me to and yada yada...and we were going to take it slow...BULLSHIT.

Last night was the most intense night I have ever had in my life. One that we are both still reeling from. We had made plans to hang out at night after I was done with my night class so we did. He came over to my place which is really a small room on campus. We hung out for a bit and sketched while having some....rather...interesting conversations. Meanwhile my roomie and her guy friend were in the room as well, working on stuff.

After a certain point Brian and I ended up cuddling on my bed and with the most awkward of awkward moments we had our first kiss and oh my god! It was so amazing and it even caught him off-guard...it reminded me of the lyric from "Disintegration" where it says, "why do i get so caught off-guard...when we kiss?" It was just that good and he even told me that he had never experienced a kiss like that before with a girl (and he's had plenty). It was just so strange and great at the same time. Well, we ended up heading to his place since 2am came and went and my roommate and her boyfriend showed no signs of going to bed and we were tired.

Well....this was the first time in my entire life that I had ever made the suggestion of going to a guy's house (within less than a month of knowing him) and spent the night. We ended up sleeping his bed and boy oh boy...the sexual tension in the air. Nothing major happened but we just couldn't fall asleep and we kept talking and holding each other. Eventually we did fall asleep. It was so strange waking up next to him once morning came and we just laid there enjoying the moment. Neither one of us wanted to get up. Of course we did...school and work are important obligations. :)

It's just so sudden and I've never been this attracted to a guy of such an intense nature so soon and having him feel the same way. It's a strange but nice feeling.

A friend of mine pointed out that she thinks he might be around for the long haul...meaning that he just might be the "one."

If that's the case, LORD HELP ME! ;)

Ah...but that face will definitely get me swooning. I love it. He's just so cute and everything that I love in a guy, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Like we both said to each other this morning: "This is going to be one interesting school year."

"...can you still feel the butterflies?..."

So...last night was interesting.

I got hang out with this guy I've been getting to know named Brian and I was scared shitless because a week ago I had made it known to him that I had feelings for him. I thought things had downhill since he didn't talk to me for a few days but then over this past weekend he started messaging me quite a bit and we made plans to hang out sunday night at his place, where he was going to cook dinner.

I didn't get my hopes up because despite what my gut and most of my friends/family were saying, it was possible it was just a casual friend together. It's safer to have a lower expectation than get insanely hyped up and be disappointed if it doesn't turn out the way you think it might. Past experience has taught me that much.

It turned out to be a fun night but one that started off with a very ominous undertone. It was the first night that I had ever been to his apartment and I had never known he had a little Beta fish in a tiny tank. I was asking him about it and found out that it was his ex-girlfriend's fish that she had left when she dumped him. He hadn't had the heart to throw it out so he's been taking care of it all this time. Well, keep in mind this is his ex-girlfriend's fish. I was playing with the fish, trying to get some life out of it and saying to Brian, "Man...your fish looks sick." He laughed and then went back to cooking dinner, leaving me with the fish. I continued to tap on the glass and was watching it when all of a sudden it shuddered and it started to flip over. It literally died on me. I was horrified! I didn't know what to do. I was in the apartment of this guy I liked and I practically killed his ex-girlfriend's fish. I actually picked up the little tank and shook it hoping to reorient the fish so it didn't look so.....dead. No such luck. I decided to play it cool and not say anything, hoping he wouldn't notice. Well, about a minute later he turned around to say something to me and was like, '.....what happened to my fish?' 'Um....it's not what it looks like.' He couldn't believe the fish died on him! He ended up losing it and laughing so hard I thought he was going to cry. Once he stopped laughing he was all, "Well...if that's not irony, I don't know what that is." I didn't catch his drift at first. I was just glad he wasn't mad at me for it.

Well, it wasn't until an hour later when we were watching a movie on his catch that I finally caught his drift. We had been watching the movie for about an hour and I was thirsty so I had leaned forward to grab my drink and was so caught off guard when I leaned back that he tried to put his arm around me. I was like, 'what are you doing?' He just looked so nervous and said, 'Oh well....I've been thinking about what you told me last week..and um...' He couldn't finish the sentence, he was so nervous, so I asked him, "You were thinking you were maybe considering saying yes to me?" He just nodded and was like, 'yeah...' So I asked him if he liked me and he said yes. So, imagine my happiness when we ended up cuddling while we watched the rest of the movie. It felt so nice. I haven't had a guy do that in so long it's ridiculous. It just felt so right being in his arms I can't explain it.

It was also really good because he opened up to me about his concerns in dating due to his bad history with his most recent ex. I swear, the more he described her the more I kept thinking about one of my more recent ex boyfriends. It reminded me so much of my relationship with that guy and it really helped me understand where Brian was coming from. His last relationship moved way too fast for him and it ended up really hurting him so he's really scared of it happening again and getting hurt so I had to make sure to reassure him that I wouldn't do that to him and that I'd be willing to be patient and take things slow so he wouldn't feel pressured (because to be honest, he is so close to the perfect guy for me that I would do anything to make sure that I didn't mess it up or scare him off).

Hmm...the rest of the evening continued in his basement where we spent an hour jamming on his electric guitars and he showed me his computer recording studio set up for his music. Ah....I've always had such a thing for the artistic/musical type. :) He just happens to be in the same major as I am which is Illustration and he's garage punk/metal guitarist.

Good times. :)

I'm so happy in just getting to hang with him that I don't care how slow we have to go. It's just worth it. :D

CIAO!

Also..here's a lame short video I recorded of him playing his guitar last night...he was just riffing along and playing part of a song he wrote.

Bug Jar

So, this was definitely an..interesting night.

Started out with the new guy friend that I secretly like, watching a movie (Young Frankenstein) and having dinner. Even that was fun because it was the first time that he had ever hung out at my place so I was happy. Stupid girl.

Then we made our way to this punk/metal bar downtown in the city for a show and oh my god, he drives like a maniac but his van is pimpin. He's got white lights running the whole length of the van, on the inside so it looks like a freaking limo. Wicked. We ended up having to drive 20 minutes downtown to find a place to park his huge ass van and hide our stuff so it wouldn't get stolen. Fun.

The bar was just so hardcore I felt like this preppy loser, even the friend I was with was dressed more appropiately. I will make it my mission to find that old black leather jacket of mine. I must. Grr. Anyway.

The music was just...insane, more or less. I enjoyed it but I'm just not used to that style and I actually spent the night downing down drinks and cocktails to make it more bearable. At least the drinks were cheap! The best part of that was definitely getting to hang with him and see what he was into and sharing it. Funnily enough, we both discovered another thing we had in common when we were standing on the sidewalk outside between sets: we are both ex-hardcore smokers that had just recently attempted to quit. I was like, 'oh man, it's so hard being outside with all of these smokers!' and he was all confused and said, "Why?" I said, "Oh, well because I used to smoke all the time and I just quit full-time" and he laughed and was like, "Me too!" Then we got on the topic of weed and he admitted to me that he used to smoke it all the time and apologized if that was going to bother me (which I thought was cute). I was like, 'naaawww'. He's such a sweetheart despite being a metal/punk/rave guy.

Also, it was funny because the whole night he kept fidgeting with his ear because his hearing aid kept going in and out soundwise and I'm like, 'awww.' because I've had that happen to me too. It was just like looking at myself.

I was getting so tipsy towards the end of the night at the bar (after having had 3 beers and a cocktail made out of vodka, jaggermeister, bourbon and some italian liquor..WHOO) that the room was starting to spin and I was struggling to focus. Luckily, I made it out just fine and he was tired too so we left the show early to catch our breath and as soon as we felt good, we drove back home and spent a few hours watching another movie in my room, munchies on some late night food and discussing a possible visit together with some friends to see a big outdoor concert next summer.

Oh, and he spent some time showing me this music program he uses to create his songs and I was having so much fun listening to him work the program and create these cool sound effects.

And then he decided to dress up and pretend he was an arab (poor taste i know but we were kind of still buzzed hahaha) and we took pictures.

Fun times...fun times, geeky-alcohol-music infused fun. :)

And the whole time I was crushing on him so bad. Ugh. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with him because I really enjoy his company and we have so much in common.

Damn those cute ice blue eyes and that smirk.

Overall though.....a great night!

Here's a photo of the lamps from the bar we went to called Bug Jar.

Here's one of the photos I took of Brian posing as an Islamic Terrorist...and failing badly at that. hahaha.

CHALLENGE!

Damn...there's this guy I've been hitting if off really well with and the more we talk, the more we sound like the same person, emotionally, mentally and even physically!

I think he's got interest in me because of how he has been acting like having a 4 hour long conversation last night until 5am about any and everything in regards to relationships, politics, religions, etc....and we've only known each other a week!

The catch? I think he's hesitant to even consider dating me because I'm a classmate and in the same major. He says he generally doesn't believe in dating classmates because of the awkwardness and because it would distract him. But, to me...dating someone IS a distraction, regardless if they are in your major or what not. Seriously!

So I spent a lot of time last night telling him why I think that would be a wrong assumption make to not date classmates and what I thought about it (also while respecting his opinion).

Just dammit. This is going to be tricky.........;)

Extravaganza!!!

Hm...I've decided to post some of the working's in my sketches on here. I've noticed that I don't really discuss my art much even though it is a huge part of my life now as I work towards my degree in Illustration.

It's only *slightly* important.

Here goes!

Pastel Self Portrait for Heads, Hands and Facial.

*I look so bored!*

Portfolio Collage I did for a song I like.

"Bleed American"

Current Sketches:

Cartoon CharacterSketch for a Comic Strip Panel Project

Bunny! Sketch for Black and White Clayboard Project.

(i should add fangs no? make it a monty python reference?)

Poster I created to promote a Stargate show about Ancients (like that'd ever happen).

Photoshop!

PHOTOSHOP MADNESS:

And just for kicks, an OLD color pencil drawing I did back in high school. :-P

Love Redux

Well, it's just plain strange when these moments occur.

I am talking of course, about those moments where the lines start to blur and you start to question if this is appropriate or not based on the relationships you have with that person.

It started out as a normal fun dinner/tv night in my dorm room that ended in us pinning each other down on the roomie's bed, sweating, panting and practically pressed to each other. Normally, I'd enjoy this as a regular bout of wrestling but this was with my ex-boyfriend. My most recent ex that is going to college with me and I still find myself having feelings for. The problem is I have no idea where I stand with him. He's the king of mixed messages between not saying anything in terms of how he feels about me most of the time, being distant, being like a friend and then turning around 180 degrees, which means him hugging me, telling me he loves me, and what not. There's no kissing, no actual physical show that he would have feelings for me other than the "i love you's" and hugging. Oh, and let's not forget the ass slapping.

It's just I don't know what to make of it and it was no more apparent that I still felt something towards him when we were staring at each other after having wrestled for some time and we were trying to regain our breath. It was so intimate that I was caught off guard. He hesitated too but it could just be me.

Regardless, the lines need to be redrawn, in some way, shape or form because I cannot go on like this. This constant game of affection, of crossing these borders because how can I move on or how can he expect me to move on when I'm constantly being sucked right back in?

I just wish I knew if he was doing it intentionally or not.

Ugh. Men.

"As the city is my witness, I am who I want to be"

It's the start of a new college for me.

I've officially moved to Rochester to begin my new life as a full time student at RIT, home of the Tiger. *rawr*

So far, it's been an interesting experience, one full of emotional highs but I am enjoying the ride. I've been trying to immerge myself into the campus experience and sure, it was hard the other night when I didn't know where I fit in but I cannot let it stop me.

I feel like I do not belong in any group. I'm not either entirely Deaf or entirely Hearing. I'm a "bastardization" of the Deaf individual. I depend entirely on my hearing aids to hear and they restore up to 80% of my hearing and I was raised to learn how to hear and communicate verbally. I cannot imagine a world without music, speech and sound, which is ironic. As a result, the purely Deaf community on campus is a little leery of me because most of them were raised to embrace their cultural difference and that being "forced" to hear (like I was) is a horrible thing to do to a child. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not entirely like those that can hear 100%. I can relate them to much much more and they are who make up most of my friends. As a result, I fall in the middle and I'm really learning how to deal with this at the college where there is this huge division between the Deaf and Hearing.

I'm proud to say that I can hear, speak, sing, play music and communicate verbally because to me, being hearing impaired was just something to overcome. It is inherently a part of me; a part I will never lose sight of but it does not define me.

So, I am trying to keep an open and positive outlook going which will only help me reassure and define my own identity as I attend RIT.

I am definitely very excited because I am determined to not let myself limit what I feel I can or cannot do, such as certain clubs or activities I'd love to do.

We had a Club/Activities Fair on campus today and I signed up for my two passions in life:

*The RIT College Radio and learn how to become a DJ.

* The RIT Players. It's a theater group.

I've always wanted to be involved in the college music scene and I thought what better time than now to try my hand at it? The people from the radio said I had the voice and personality for it and that if I can finish the DJ training sessions, I'd be more than welcome to be a part of the radio crew. I cannot wait to see what they entail. Music, people, and talking are some of my favorite things in life.

As far as the theater goes, I've always had a love for the theater. In the past, I've always held myself back from being involved in the whole theater group because I felt that with my hearing, I wouldn't be able to give 100% of myself in a performance. However, I've gotten two theater classes under my belt and I feel more confident. Also, I'm interested in the production that goes into putting on a show such as the Directing, Costuming, Producing, Lighting, Set Design, etc.

Who knows? I might end up just committing to one club and being amazingly happy at it but how will I know if I don't at least TRY?

Once again, here's a virtual toast to my new life at RIT!

Zach Attack!!

This is Zachary Thomas.

My friend Kim's baby boy. He's approaching 9 months and getting the cuter ever still.

Thought it would be fun to see how he would look wearing my ex-boyfriend's glasses.

Adorable!

"say hello to good times"

Good Grief!

I had been absolutely locked out of my blog for quite some time. I'm glad to be back and able to rant/rave/babble online once again.

Life hasn't changed quite so dramatically since I last updated. It's just been a hazy, warm experience for the last two months with a few spurts of activity worth mentioning. That's pretty much how summers go. Overtly uneventful with rare but memorable occasions that you (if you're anything like me) make sure to capture on your camera or cell and then update them online to your social accounts because you want to make sure the whole world can see what a blast you are having. HAH!

It's been the usual gamut of emotions. All of the fun highs and lows. Oh joy!

But I am overdramatizing. It's been a great summer and I'm sad to see it come to a close so quickly. It truly does not seem so long ago that I was driving down an interstate in April, enjoying a warm sunny day, thinking, "Man. I cannot wait for summer to come." Now, 4 months later, it's almost gone! All of those plans, vacations, trips and hours of work have all come and gone.

Ironically, it's now, as the very last wisps of summer are coming, that the days are finally hot enough to bask in the sun, go swimming and feel as if you were truly in the midst of the season. It had been so cold and rainy for the last few months. Unseasonably so!

I will miss all of the fun and stressful opportunities that summer provided me with but I would be lying if I said I was not looking forward to the fall. I start at a new college and finally, I feel as if I am nearing that much nearer to my goals of finishing my education. It's been a long 4 years and I've got 2 more years to go but it feels attainable now. Not just a fartsy dream.

I remember thinking most of this summer that I was upset to not have anyone in my life, romantically, but now as the fall draws ever close, I am glad I did not meet anyone. I want to have the opportunity to start fresh at college and get to know new people and maybe, if the circumstances call for it, meet someone (whether they be from my past, present or future).

So, let's sit back in our plastic chairs, watch the fireflies blinking in the night sky and raise a chilled toast to the season of summer: You were a good friend and I loved all of our good and bad moments. I will miss you like an old friend, (the kind that you always remember fondly but never too clearly) but here is to the Fall and to a new chapter of this year!

Bleeding Hearts

I've always wondered why these flowers had the kickname of "Bleeding Hearts." Does it come from its obvious physical resemblance to a bleeding heart (the most likely explanation) or did some forlorn woman look at the plant and see her own heart manifesting itself in the flowers? Her own heart "bleeding" from the heavy sharp wounds of love and pain. Perhaps it is a Victorian sentiment but an intriquing one nonetheless.

The downward curve of the flower indicated an almost weary expression of life. The heart growing heavy and no longer light. Then as if to further excerbate its "death" the flower buds spill open on the bottom, the contents of the "heart" exposed for all of the world to see. It is a heart that has been wounded and bleeding, all of its inner feelings, desires, and pain tumbling out. There is nothing left for it to all hold together and one by the one, each flower splits open and the plant itself becomes the perfect botanical representation of the most basic and powerful human emotions: love and loss.

All in all, the little, "Jane Eyre" book educated girl inside of me, will still look at this flower and wonder with a wistful sight, "If only....if only."

Her own bleeding heart carefully concealed.

Check please?

I never realized that being single would ultimately define me until I realized in the midst of driving listening to a song on my mp3 player that I was wishing I could share the music with someone else. How sad is it that your own happiness, which should be derived from your sole pleasure in the enjoyment of your favorite songs, movies, television shows, etc, becomes obsolete until you gain the opportunity to share it with someone else?

Granted, my emotions have been all over the place as of late and I am working on a step by step program to get it all straightened out or at least, rationalized. Yet, I cannot obsessing on the fact that there are so much I cannot have or know I should not have because of circumstances beyond my control. My mind is just overrun with these thoughts about people, I love, loved or would like to love and I cannot make it stop. It's a constant soap opera running through my brain, and not even a good soap opera (but really, are they all really any good?).

The definition of who I am has just become such a faint shadow of what it used to be that I'm constantly running around trying to fill it in with a marker and make it darker, more solid and more me. Independent.

I am failing miserably. I hate emotions and I hate men. I don't even think it's men in general. If I were gay, I'd be hating the women. It's just the gender of the sex I'm attracted to that I hate. Yet, I love them so much that it's a constant source of my aggravation. It's like that splinter that just got embedded under the skin on your palm. You'll forget about it for awhile, go about your way and then you'll slam your hand just a little too hard on that table and it'll sting. It will come back and aggravate you.

Well, there is this one particular "splinter" that I just cannot get out from under my skin and it keeps stinging everyday, as if it were a fresh wound. I should not even be feeling this intense about this person. It defies all logic and reasoning. By all rights and accounts, I should be able to just forget this person and move on with my life. There is nothing connecting me to this person that would make me always think of them. The strand that connects us is like a fishline. Thin and flexible when it needs to be but too hard for me to really break, as much as I may want to.
This person haunts my dreams and if I allow myself to dwell on this person, I will smile for a second at the brief flash of memory. It would be an image, a word, a smile, a moment in time and I will smile but then I will look around, see where I am in my life and it will just all come crashing down on me.
I love that person but I also hate that person with every fiber of my being because I hate what it is doing to me and I just want to go see them even if its just to torture myself. I would gladly allow myself to be tortured just for the sake of a minute of happiness.

A house of cards. Each suit representing a facet of my personality. All precariously perched upon each other and awaiting that gust of wind to just knock them all over into a red, white and black mess.

Like I've said to some other people in the past, I need the "I'm a Mess" pin.

"Firefight"

I dedicate this song to someone I know. Our relationship has always been one of this, through all of its up and downs, dating or not. We are just always in a "firefight." :)

"This is where our diligence has led
The waves roll in to claim our patient steps
Can we become more than just ourselves?
And leave the sand our want, our will, our doubt?

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

This is now the moment after next.
Are these still the eyes of a temptress?
Why open a door when you won't go?
Don't ask twice if you don't wanna know.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

Is there an answer?
And if it's an honest one, honestly worth it's question.
There's no question.
The city as my witness
I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything
Just be anything and here with me.
Love is quartz and breath the second hand.
If you let go then that's where time will stand.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive."

"kiss me with your cherry lipstick"

I was bored and I decided to take a little Birthday Profile using Feng Shui to find out what my "Kua Energy" is and this is what it had to say in regards to my relationships. I found this part really eerie and it really hits close to home with how I feel and what I'm most attracted to.

Spooky!

Your relationship direction is South. The following are characteristic of this direction:

You need to feel recognized and respected in your relationships.

You like to make music with others.
You love to party and celebrate.
You have relationships with musicians, artists, and performers.
You love candlelight dinners and sitting around the fireplace with your family and drinking a glass of wine.
You like burning candles to make your home more welcoming to others.
The colors that stimulate your relationships are rose, pink, fuchsia, yellow, orange, and fire colors like red. Wood colors such as brown and green are also very stimulating.
You express your love with music and would enjoy playing a ballad at your partner’s balcony.
You enjoy taking your date to the opera or a rock concert.
You like to set off fireworks for your family parties.
You like the idea of a relationship or falling in love with someone famous

The Alley

Broken pavements and bottles,

Cracked brick and lost baubles,

This city has lost its charm,

Doing no more good than harm.

The man in gray hobbles away,

The crowds ebb and flow,

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in a million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away).

Smoke plumes and asphalt

Gritty posts and rock salt.

The city is always there,

all signs lead to nowhere,

The woman in red has fled,

The statues grin and pose.

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away)...

Swinging my feet over the edge,

the waves break and cascade,

Flicking my cig over the ledge,

planning out my next escapade.

Sell your soul for the price of Sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away..

go on, you know you want to (know you want to)

go on and throw it all away!

"Love Me, Hate Me"

"i swear...all you need is just a little more blush!"

These days I've only gotten to realize more and more that the opinions of those we value don't nearly matter as much as those we do not even know. It's strange but haven't we found ourselves fidgeting with our hair when waiting for the bus to come or while waiting in line for our fast food order? We subjugete ourselves to the fears that we have to make a good first impression to strangers. It's a subconscious act but one that plays a much deeper social role. We preen, pluck, shave and style to please not just ourselves but to put ourselves on display.

It's always at the oddest times that I find myself wondering if the person next to me in the check-out line thinks I look ok or if I have food stuck in my teeth. The opposite occurs when I'm around those I value and love. I'll never have a second thought as to the fact that my teeth are not perfectly straight or that my hair is being extra fizzy. Perhaps it's a good thing. We become so comfortable withourselves that we tend to 'assume' that the people we value have always approved of how we look.

I just find it interesting that those we do not know or care for (ie the stranger we walk by on the streets) are the ones we feel most compelled to impress.

Ingrained Socialism at its best, I suppose.

Chocolate Bunnies

Hello.

This is the very first post I shall ever make here and I feel obligated to make it worthwhile. Thus, I shall talk about chocolate Easter Bunnies. Why you ask?

Because I am currently enjoying the delicious taste of one right now!

They are decadent and rich and oh-melt-in-your-mouth delicious! It is only once a year I allow myself to really enjoy these candies. Halloween is the only other time but even then I do not get to enjoy these solid chocolate bunnies! They are my ultimate downfall. Next to sushi. (Odd combination I will admit).

Hmm.

I think I am done for now.

Happy Belated Chocolate-ly Easter!