Love Redux

Well, it's just plain strange when these moments occur.

I am talking of course, about those moments where the lines start to blur and you start to question if this is appropriate or not based on the relationships you have with that person.

It started out as a normal fun dinner/tv night in my dorm room that ended in us pinning each other down on the roomie's bed, sweating, panting and practically pressed to each other. Normally, I'd enjoy this as a regular bout of wrestling but this was with my ex-boyfriend. My most recent ex that is going to college with me and I still find myself having feelings for. The problem is I have no idea where I stand with him. He's the king of mixed messages between not saying anything in terms of how he feels about me most of the time, being distant, being like a friend and then turning around 180 degrees, which means him hugging me, telling me he loves me, and what not. There's no kissing, no actual physical show that he would have feelings for me other than the "i love you's" and hugging. Oh, and let's not forget the ass slapping.

It's just I don't know what to make of it and it was no more apparent that I still felt something towards him when we were staring at each other after having wrestled for some time and we were trying to regain our breath. It was so intimate that I was caught off guard. He hesitated too but it could just be me.

Regardless, the lines need to be redrawn, in some way, shape or form because I cannot go on like this. This constant game of affection, of crossing these borders because how can I move on or how can he expect me to move on when I'm constantly being sucked right back in?

I just wish I knew if he was doing it intentionally or not.

Ugh. Men.