Zach Attack!!

This is Zachary Thomas.

My friend Kim's baby boy. He's approaching 9 months and getting the cuter ever still.

Thought it would be fun to see how he would look wearing my ex-boyfriend's glasses.

Adorable!

"say hello to good times"

Good Grief!

I had been absolutely locked out of my blog for quite some time. I'm glad to be back and able to rant/rave/babble online once again.

Life hasn't changed quite so dramatically since I last updated. It's just been a hazy, warm experience for the last two months with a few spurts of activity worth mentioning. That's pretty much how summers go. Overtly uneventful with rare but memorable occasions that you (if you're anything like me) make sure to capture on your camera or cell and then update them online to your social accounts because you want to make sure the whole world can see what a blast you are having. HAH!

It's been the usual gamut of emotions. All of the fun highs and lows. Oh joy!

But I am overdramatizing. It's been a great summer and I'm sad to see it come to a close so quickly. It truly does not seem so long ago that I was driving down an interstate in April, enjoying a warm sunny day, thinking, "Man. I cannot wait for summer to come." Now, 4 months later, it's almost gone! All of those plans, vacations, trips and hours of work have all come and gone.

Ironically, it's now, as the very last wisps of summer are coming, that the days are finally hot enough to bask in the sun, go swimming and feel as if you were truly in the midst of the season. It had been so cold and rainy for the last few months. Unseasonably so!

I will miss all of the fun and stressful opportunities that summer provided me with but I would be lying if I said I was not looking forward to the fall. I start at a new college and finally, I feel as if I am nearing that much nearer to my goals of finishing my education. It's been a long 4 years and I've got 2 more years to go but it feels attainable now. Not just a fartsy dream.

I remember thinking most of this summer that I was upset to not have anyone in my life, romantically, but now as the fall draws ever close, I am glad I did not meet anyone. I want to have the opportunity to start fresh at college and get to know new people and maybe, if the circumstances call for it, meet someone (whether they be from my past, present or future).

So, let's sit back in our plastic chairs, watch the fireflies blinking in the night sky and raise a chilled toast to the season of summer: You were a good friend and I loved all of our good and bad moments. I will miss you like an old friend, (the kind that you always remember fondly but never too clearly) but here is to the Fall and to a new chapter of this year!

Bleeding Hearts

I've always wondered why these flowers had the kickname of "Bleeding Hearts." Does it come from its obvious physical resemblance to a bleeding heart (the most likely explanation) or did some forlorn woman look at the plant and see her own heart manifesting itself in the flowers? Her own heart "bleeding" from the heavy sharp wounds of love and pain. Perhaps it is a Victorian sentiment but an intriquing one nonetheless.

The downward curve of the flower indicated an almost weary expression of life. The heart growing heavy and no longer light. Then as if to further excerbate its "death" the flower buds spill open on the bottom, the contents of the "heart" exposed for all of the world to see. It is a heart that has been wounded and bleeding, all of its inner feelings, desires, and pain tumbling out. There is nothing left for it to all hold together and one by the one, each flower splits open and the plant itself becomes the perfect botanical representation of the most basic and powerful human emotions: love and loss.

All in all, the little, "Jane Eyre" book educated girl inside of me, will still look at this flower and wonder with a wistful sight, "If only....if only."

Her own bleeding heart carefully concealed.

Check please?

I never realized that being single would ultimately define me until I realized in the midst of driving listening to a song on my mp3 player that I was wishing I could share the music with someone else. How sad is it that your own happiness, which should be derived from your sole pleasure in the enjoyment of your favorite songs, movies, television shows, etc, becomes obsolete until you gain the opportunity to share it with someone else?

Granted, my emotions have been all over the place as of late and I am working on a step by step program to get it all straightened out or at least, rationalized. Yet, I cannot obsessing on the fact that there are so much I cannot have or know I should not have because of circumstances beyond my control. My mind is just overrun with these thoughts about people, I love, loved or would like to love and I cannot make it stop. It's a constant soap opera running through my brain, and not even a good soap opera (but really, are they all really any good?).

The definition of who I am has just become such a faint shadow of what it used to be that I'm constantly running around trying to fill it in with a marker and make it darker, more solid and more me. Independent.

I am failing miserably. I hate emotions and I hate men. I don't even think it's men in general. If I were gay, I'd be hating the women. It's just the gender of the sex I'm attracted to that I hate. Yet, I love them so much that it's a constant source of my aggravation. It's like that splinter that just got embedded under the skin on your palm. You'll forget about it for awhile, go about your way and then you'll slam your hand just a little too hard on that table and it'll sting. It will come back and aggravate you.

Well, there is this one particular "splinter" that I just cannot get out from under my skin and it keeps stinging everyday, as if it were a fresh wound. I should not even be feeling this intense about this person. It defies all logic and reasoning. By all rights and accounts, I should be able to just forget this person and move on with my life. There is nothing connecting me to this person that would make me always think of them. The strand that connects us is like a fishline. Thin and flexible when it needs to be but too hard for me to really break, as much as I may want to.
This person haunts my dreams and if I allow myself to dwell on this person, I will smile for a second at the brief flash of memory. It would be an image, a word, a smile, a moment in time and I will smile but then I will look around, see where I am in my life and it will just all come crashing down on me.
I love that person but I also hate that person with every fiber of my being because I hate what it is doing to me and I just want to go see them even if its just to torture myself. I would gladly allow myself to be tortured just for the sake of a minute of happiness.

A house of cards. Each suit representing a facet of my personality. All precariously perched upon each other and awaiting that gust of wind to just knock them all over into a red, white and black mess.

Like I've said to some other people in the past, I need the "I'm a Mess" pin.

"Firefight"

I dedicate this song to someone I know. Our relationship has always been one of this, through all of its up and downs, dating or not. We are just always in a "firefight." :)

"This is where our diligence has led
The waves roll in to claim our patient steps
Can we become more than just ourselves?
And leave the sand our want, our will, our doubt?

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

This is now the moment after next.
Are these still the eyes of a temptress?
Why open a door when you won't go?
Don't ask twice if you don't wanna know.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

Is there an answer?
And if it's an honest one, honestly worth it's question.
There's no question.
The city as my witness
I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything
Just be anything and here with me.
Love is quartz and breath the second hand.
If you let go then that's where time will stand.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive."

"kiss me with your cherry lipstick"

I was bored and I decided to take a little Birthday Profile using Feng Shui to find out what my "Kua Energy" is and this is what it had to say in regards to my relationships. I found this part really eerie and it really hits close to home with how I feel and what I'm most attracted to.

Spooky!

Your relationship direction is South. The following are characteristic of this direction:

You need to feel recognized and respected in your relationships.

You like to make music with others.
You love to party and celebrate.
You have relationships with musicians, artists, and performers.
You love candlelight dinners and sitting around the fireplace with your family and drinking a glass of wine.
You like burning candles to make your home more welcoming to others.
The colors that stimulate your relationships are rose, pink, fuchsia, yellow, orange, and fire colors like red. Wood colors such as brown and green are also very stimulating.
You express your love with music and would enjoy playing a ballad at your partner’s balcony.
You enjoy taking your date to the opera or a rock concert.
You like to set off fireworks for your family parties.
You like the idea of a relationship or falling in love with someone famous

The Alley

Broken pavements and bottles,

Cracked brick and lost baubles,

This city has lost its charm,

Doing no more good than harm.

The man in gray hobbles away,

The crowds ebb and flow,

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in a million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away).

Smoke plumes and asphalt

Gritty posts and rock salt.

The city is always there,

all signs lead to nowhere,

The woman in red has fled,

The statues grin and pose.

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away)...

Swinging my feet over the edge,

the waves break and cascade,

Flicking my cig over the ledge,

planning out my next escapade.

Sell your soul for the price of Sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away..

go on, you know you want to (know you want to)

go on and throw it all away!