Check please?

I never realized that being single would ultimately define me until I realized in the midst of driving listening to a song on my mp3 player that I was wishing I could share the music with someone else. How sad is it that your own happiness, which should be derived from your sole pleasure in the enjoyment of your favorite songs, movies, television shows, etc, becomes obsolete until you gain the opportunity to share it with someone else?

Granted, my emotions have been all over the place as of late and I am working on a step by step program to get it all straightened out or at least, rationalized. Yet, I cannot obsessing on the fact that there are so much I cannot have or know I should not have because of circumstances beyond my control. My mind is just overrun with these thoughts about people, I love, loved or would like to love and I cannot make it stop. It's a constant soap opera running through my brain, and not even a good soap opera (but really, are they all really any good?).

The definition of who I am has just become such a faint shadow of what it used to be that I'm constantly running around trying to fill it in with a marker and make it darker, more solid and more me. Independent.

I am failing miserably. I hate emotions and I hate men. I don't even think it's men in general. If I were gay, I'd be hating the women. It's just the gender of the sex I'm attracted to that I hate. Yet, I love them so much that it's a constant source of my aggravation. It's like that splinter that just got embedded under the skin on your palm. You'll forget about it for awhile, go about your way and then you'll slam your hand just a little too hard on that table and it'll sting. It will come back and aggravate you.

Well, there is this one particular "splinter" that I just cannot get out from under my skin and it keeps stinging everyday, as if it were a fresh wound. I should not even be feeling this intense about this person. It defies all logic and reasoning. By all rights and accounts, I should be able to just forget this person and move on with my life. There is nothing connecting me to this person that would make me always think of them. The strand that connects us is like a fishline. Thin and flexible when it needs to be but too hard for me to really break, as much as I may want to.
This person haunts my dreams and if I allow myself to dwell on this person, I will smile for a second at the brief flash of memory. It would be an image, a word, a smile, a moment in time and I will smile but then I will look around, see where I am in my life and it will just all come crashing down on me.
I love that person but I also hate that person with every fiber of my being because I hate what it is doing to me and I just want to go see them even if its just to torture myself. I would gladly allow myself to be tortured just for the sake of a minute of happiness.

A house of cards. Each suit representing a facet of my personality. All precariously perched upon each other and awaiting that gust of wind to just knock them all over into a red, white and black mess.

Like I've said to some other people in the past, I need the "I'm a Mess" pin.

"Firefight"

I dedicate this song to someone I know. Our relationship has always been one of this, through all of its up and downs, dating or not. We are just always in a "firefight." :)

"This is where our diligence has led
The waves roll in to claim our patient steps
Can we become more than just ourselves?
And leave the sand our want, our will, our doubt?

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

This is now the moment after next.
Are these still the eyes of a temptress?
Why open a door when you won't go?
Don't ask twice if you don't wanna know.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive.

Is there an answer?
And if it's an honest one, honestly worth it's question.
There's no question.
The city as my witness
I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything
Just be anything and here with me.
Love is quartz and breath the second hand.
If you let go then that's where time will stand.

It's firefight, I won't run.
There's spit and spite all through my blood.
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide.
Except you and me, there's no one else alive."

"kiss me with your cherry lipstick"

I was bored and I decided to take a little Birthday Profile using Feng Shui to find out what my "Kua Energy" is and this is what it had to say in regards to my relationships. I found this part really eerie and it really hits close to home with how I feel and what I'm most attracted to.

Spooky!

Your relationship direction is South. The following are characteristic of this direction:

You need to feel recognized and respected in your relationships.

You like to make music with others.
You love to party and celebrate.
You have relationships with musicians, artists, and performers.
You love candlelight dinners and sitting around the fireplace with your family and drinking a glass of wine.
You like burning candles to make your home more welcoming to others.
The colors that stimulate your relationships are rose, pink, fuchsia, yellow, orange, and fire colors like red. Wood colors such as brown and green are also very stimulating.
You express your love with music and would enjoy playing a ballad at your partner’s balcony.
You enjoy taking your date to the opera or a rock concert.
You like to set off fireworks for your family parties.
You like the idea of a relationship or falling in love with someone famous

The Alley

Broken pavements and bottles,

Cracked brick and lost baubles,

This city has lost its charm,

Doing no more good than harm.

The man in gray hobbles away,

The crowds ebb and flow,

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in a million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away).

Smoke plumes and asphalt

Gritty posts and rock salt.

The city is always there,

all signs lead to nowhere,

The woman in red has fled,

The statues grin and pose.

Sell your soul for the price of sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away (away)...

Swinging my feet over the edge,

the waves break and cascade,

Flicking my cig over the ledge,

planning out my next escapade.

Sell your soul for the price of Sanity,

a one in million deal they say,

trade it for that moment of clarity,

go on and throw it all away..

go on, you know you want to (know you want to)

go on and throw it all away!

"Love Me, Hate Me"

"i swear...all you need is just a little more blush!"

These days I've only gotten to realize more and more that the opinions of those we value don't nearly matter as much as those we do not even know. It's strange but haven't we found ourselves fidgeting with our hair when waiting for the bus to come or while waiting in line for our fast food order? We subjugete ourselves to the fears that we have to make a good first impression to strangers. It's a subconscious act but one that plays a much deeper social role. We preen, pluck, shave and style to please not just ourselves but to put ourselves on display.

It's always at the oddest times that I find myself wondering if the person next to me in the check-out line thinks I look ok or if I have food stuck in my teeth. The opposite occurs when I'm around those I value and love. I'll never have a second thought as to the fact that my teeth are not perfectly straight or that my hair is being extra fizzy. Perhaps it's a good thing. We become so comfortable withourselves that we tend to 'assume' that the people we value have always approved of how we look.

I just find it interesting that those we do not know or care for (ie the stranger we walk by on the streets) are the ones we feel most compelled to impress.

Ingrained Socialism at its best, I suppose.

Chocolate Bunnies

Hello.

This is the very first post I shall ever make here and I feel obligated to make it worthwhile. Thus, I shall talk about chocolate Easter Bunnies. Why you ask?

Because I am currently enjoying the delicious taste of one right now!

They are decadent and rich and oh-melt-in-your-mouth delicious! It is only once a year I allow myself to really enjoy these candies. Halloween is the only other time but even then I do not get to enjoy these solid chocolate bunnies! They are my ultimate downfall. Next to sushi. (Odd combination I will admit).

Hmm.

I think I am done for now.

Happy Belated Chocolate-ly Easter!